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God is a god of mercy, but more importantly, He is a god of love.

I have recently been trying to decide what to do with my life. Dealing with life lately has left me with little direction and hope. As you may know, I returned home from the mission early (in January, 2010) and with many emotional scars, facing the very depressing prospect of having to take medication for the rest of my life. Two years later, I finally returned to the university. I was settled in with a full load of classes, an amazing boyfriend, and perhaps a bit of trepidation. Classes went fairly well, I studied like crazy, and got a 4.0! I wish I could say the rest of life went that well. I was changing medications almost every month and having panic attacks multiple times a day. But then I got engaged and things were going well for awhile. Then, well... things started going less than stellar. After praying about my engagement and arguing with myself, I got a No. With a capital "N." Like the kind of No where the more you try to ignore it, the more physically ill you get. THAT kind of No. It broke my heart, but what else could I do? I called it off. When he finally accepted that I had received a no, he turned into a major jerk and started accusing me of all sorts of mean things he had to know were not true. Even after all that, I still have feelings for him and wish my answer could have been otherwise. Yes, he said some things that were hurtful, but how many people wouldn't do that in his shoes? That's not an excuse, but I understand. He was hurting and he lashed out. None of us are perfect.

Now lest you think I have a completely miserable existence, never fear - I got my summer adventures! I drove to Washington to see a friend get married, survived an INCREDIBLE mid-west style lightning storm while staying in a tent, then went on up to Victoria and got my open water scuba certification. Then I decided I would take the scenic route and stopped through Edmonton on my "way back home." I stayed there for awhile before heading back home to Utah. I actually didn't make it back to my "home base" at that point, though. I had a flight to catch with my sister to go see Newsies on Broadway in New York. Originally my ex-fiance and I were going to take a roadtrip and squeeze the show in, but that was before he showed his "not so pleasant side." Instead, I was left with two non-refundable tickets. I suppose someday I should thank him. If it weren't for him I wouldn't have been able to spend some amazing sister time and come away with great inside jokes and a renewed sense of hope in my life.

Now you may wonder what all this rambling has to do with a merciful, loving God. I'll tell you. My life the last few years has been anything but perfect. I have made a lot of mistakes, bad choices, whatever you want to call it. But regardless of all that,God was merciful enough to give me the answers I needed. These last few weeks as I have been contemplating my future, I finally made a decision. I am going to study massage therapy. I had two schools I was really looking at and couldn't decide between the two. One seemed like it was so perfect, but it also cost twice as much and would have taken probably twice as long. I was somewhat depressed at the prospect of having to settle for the cheaper, less desirable option. I prayed for guidance and gradually started feeling better about it. Well, today my father became my guardian angel, God's messenger to answer my prayers. He mentioned to a lady in the branch that I was going to massage school and she got super excited. I had no idea she had been to school for that as well. She told me everything I needed to hear to reassure me and indeed, was an answer to my prayers. But the effect of my "guardian angel" did not wear off there. After that, my father introduced me to a girl who just received her mission call to Chile. Though it was not the same mission that I served in, I was able to talk to her about what to expect, a few random tidbits about the language and people, and I could see the sparkle of excitement in her eyes. As I spoke with her, a strange thing started to happen: I felt a glimmer of a sense of peace and healing about my mission experience.

I remember sitting in a fast and testimony meeting one day with my cousin. She asked why the person sharing her testimony was crying. I was saddened that she, I think a teenager at the time, didn't understand. Fast forward time to a few months ago. I was sitting with my family at church, again during testimony meeting, when my nephew (7 years old?) turned to me. Referring to the lady crying as she shared her testimony, he asked me, "Is she so happy?"

As the tears fall tonight, I thank my Heavenly Father for his love and mercy; for parents who love me, for a father who was able to receive inspiration - whether or not he realizes it, as I'm sure that's what it was - and a mother who supports me in everything and sometimes gives me a much-needed proverbial kick in the pants.

So why is God a merciful, loving God? Because in the space of a short amount of time He has helped me experience hope, peace, and healing. He has also given me the beginnings of understanding and direction and answered at least one of my prayers, even though I probably (okay, scratch the probably) don't deserve it.

In the words of my nephew Jared, yes, I am so happy.